Never Have I Ever Season 4
The last high school show I watched was Sabrina, The Teenage Witch but that was because my namesake went to a witch high school and found out she was Lucifer’s daughter. That’s a show I’ll turn up for. The only time I would find high school interesting is if it involved blood sacrifices in the woods or pacts with the Dark Lord that ensured immortality and unlimited finances.
Mindy Kaling made me watch this show. It was a fairytale high school show geared towards adults. Right down to the Paxton character showing up one season wearing the Jordan Catalano jacket. Remember that jacket? When My So-Called Life was on television and I saw Catalano walking down the hall in that jacket I would have described him as well over six feet tall who ate up the floor as he walked. Have you seen Jared Leto? The magic of cinematography and a great soundtrack.
Friends who watch this show rooted for Paxton. I never did because the show was never about high school for me. The show was about Devi securing the happily ever after before she even realized what that was. Spoiler — the last shot of that show is her sitting in her Princeton dorm room with her boyfriend — a Columbia student that’s already secured a position at his dad’s firm for when he graduates. At the dance with her friends before she heads to college for the summer, her love interest leaves his NYC internship to fly back to California to talk to her about his feelings. This show was barely about high school. It was basically Mindy and Danny before starting their medical practice.
I like watching the fairytales Mindy Kaling puts on television. I wish I could be her for a day and live in a world where that could work for me. I would love to be at a department store on a Saturday afternoon going through the racks and debating whether I should buy my man the medium or the large shirt. What a beautiful weekend. The stories she weaves together are always fun to watch.
Adult Teenager
Hold my beer, Devi. No one knows more about being an adult teenager than me. Have you ever asked a grown man to check out another grown man because you were thirsty? I have. There’s only one thing I didn’t ask him to do, which I wish I would have.
He’s a smidge bigger than me, but I would have begged him to run towards my crush like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing to see how long my crush could hold him above his head in the air.
Even if it was half in the water, it would still count — just to have a gauge of his level of strength and endurance. I would have told him to put a Cyndi Lauper song on and asked him if my crush was able to grip his hips and carry him across the room like a waifish woodland faerie. With his upper torso supported on my guy’s shoulder, did he feel comfortable kicking his feet up in the air and dancing across the moonlight?
Does he help a sister out? Absolutely not, like a hater he ignores my requests and makes it all about himself. Like I said, some of us are still in high school. I could pick up big boy myself, but the other guy could probably dip and spin him round and round-now we’ll never know.
I don’t know how I ended up communicating with this person again, but it happened. But I used an old trick to get rid of them that I have employed with others. I brought up money. If you want to know the fastest way to get rid of someone, ask them what they are fiscally contributing to the interaction. If they know they are around for no reason and serve no true purpose, they become scarce fast.
So the next time someone drunk texts or shares their sorrows about whatever, just start talking about your American Express bill and ask them if they plan on using all of their points before the end of the year and would they be able to transfer some of their sky miles over to your account. A friend will tell you to go fuck yourself and then ask how many points you’re off from hitting your mark. A fake will disappear real quick.
What has high school taught me? Being petty is an artform that serves you well in life, way past graduation.
